Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
