Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
