I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
