I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
