Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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