I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
