ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
