He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
