hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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