Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize