I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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