if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
