and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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