Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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