He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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