We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
zippers are such a cool invention
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
