My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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