just survived the first fart of the relationship.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
