I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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