I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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