Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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