sarcasm needs its own font
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
