wrigley field is MILF paradise
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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