You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
