there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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