Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
