and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
