I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
