in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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