I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
