I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
