I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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