He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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