I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
