i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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