I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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