I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
