I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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