Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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