you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
