oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
