Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
