Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
