I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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