Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
