If i come over, it means nothing
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
