Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
