I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
