Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
