and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
