Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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